The summer and all that came with it.

Dear me,
     
       This summer was intense. You party more then all your freshman year, you hitted on nearly every female    staffer, but what else is new. You broke hearts you won hearts. Yoyu had two little twins say you were like the father they never had or wished they could have. You were the best you could be. Except you know you told Ana you would wait for her and basically be her only and yeah so good job on squandering that instantly.
 Also what makes you thing all the Junior leaders you told will be better at keeping secrets then Alec? oh other then the fact Alec as a general rule can;t keep his fucking mouth shut.
the point is this is the point:

Keith

• I don’t want to tell you this because I’m afraid it’s just going to piss you off. I’ll try to keep this short.
  I miss more than just my best friend. I miss my partner I miss my wife. I miss my future. I miss the girl who listen to me drone on about models and then just sent me modeling tools on a whim. I miss having a real legit reason for staying up till 4 am, I miss having someone who calls me, who txts me just because they pretty much have to as a compulsion. I miss talking about nothing but its okay because that’s enough for us. I miss hearing about your friend Natalie or the fuck yeah guy who worked alongside you in that restaurant. I miss planning out gifts that I know you will love for sure, because that’s just how well I know you. I miss not being afraid every time I message you that I’ll say something that’ll piss you off and make you stop talking to me for five days. I miss getting answers to all my messages longer than three words. I miss more than just being someone’s number one I miss being your number one.
  

  And I’m plagued by guilt because I can’t help myself, I just flirt with everyone, and I say things that I really mean to you that I never say to anyone else, but my actions just make it all invalid to you, and that just fucking plagues me all the time nearly every hour. And I try to bury that. But it’s just getting harder and harder. And it’s just making me a worse and worse person. And so much is going on in your life and I just don’t want to be another problem I want to be your support, part of the solution.
  And here I am wrapped up in trying to fix something that I can’t fix, trying to get something that I was once sure I had but now I’ve definitely lost and in all likelihood never regain.
  And I dislike telling you all this because again I don’t want to just stack problems on your plate, I just need to tell you before I turn into a complete asshole, besides the fact that you deserve me being honest and open with you.
  I don’t really know how I except you to react. But you asked if I was okay and I think when I say I’m not you want to know the cause.
• Tuesday
• 
  

  2:50pmA

  Ana
  Keith,
  You haven't upset me or pissed me off.
  Thank you for telling me. I think it takes large amounts of courage to lay things out the way you have. And, I did want to know what was wrong so thank you for telling me.
  I need to be honest with you too though. Keith ill always love you but, I'm not in love with you. After everything that's happened the past year I lost the foundation of our relationship. And, your personality changed before my eyes. Granted everyone changes in their teens and twenties. But, after talking to you about Alec- I later found out you called him and chewed him out. Not cool. The whole point of me talking to you about that was the fact that you were the adult and he was a child that looked up to you. An adult wouldn't call a child up and get angry at them for talking to an adult about something that upset them.
  Or how you were telling staff here to stay away from me before I got here. I understand where you were coming from but shouldn't I be allowed to decide whom I speak to? You were a bit abrasive..
  Then there is the fact that yes you do flirt a lot. I think that's part of figuring out dating but I'm past that point in my life Keith. I think you need more time for that.
  Mostly I think we are just at two different points in our life. I'm looking for things you aren't ready for yet and that's ok.
  And, if you can't handle friends why would dating even be on the table?
  Dating only complicates things. Seriously.
• 
  
  
  

  2:52pm

  Keith 

  Yeah. I needed to hear you just come out and say this Ana.
• I don't why I just have trouble letting things go and it just kept sounding like there was an in and so I just kept holding on. I know it'll be better this way.

  Thanks.
  By the way I didn't really changed, you just saw more of me then you started with.
  You're far more mature then I am, I'm a little bit behind on growing up.
  Chris was an asshole and he had what I said to him coming, but thats besides the point.
  

  One more thing while we're at this. I feel like you're ashamed we tried a relationship.
• 
  

  2:59m

  I'm going to stop talking now because I am a little emotional.
  Like a hard mixture of relief and pain you know?

  I'm sorry. I love you
• 
  

  3:20pm

  Ana

  Letting go?
  See that's what I mean, here I'm saying I want to work on our relationship. Find this person I lost somewhere along the way and you are talking about letting go?
  And I think you did change. You tend to emulate the people you spend time with. That's not a bad thing it's just what I've noticed.
  You are very mature in some respects and not in others.. You haven't had much dating experience- how can you totally wrap your head around it? That's just being logical.
  Chris was a little sketchy but for the most part very nice to me and respectful.
  I was never ashamed of you Keith. Never have been never would be. You are an outstanding young man and you have such a capacity to love and create. I'm proud of you.
• 
  

  3:22pm

  Keith

  See im confused... I don't know what i am doing Ana.
  I really really like you. And I have like plans and dreams in my head for us.
  and its like Idk what you want really.

  g I didnt really develope a core person... IM still growing up I still take and give from those around me

  I am sorry. I am still thinking in these strict catagory terms

  Do I need to see other people? Figure out how this works?
  Are we starting over?
  I just I'm not really sure what's happening you know.
  You're right I have no experience in this.

  I am sorry... I just like reread...

  I need to stop and think somethimes before I react.

  Listen.

  here's what I need.

  actaully scratch that I have no idea what I need.

  I really only know what I want at this point.
  I don't know how to get it, like the steps or like the process or what to expect.
  I just know I want you and I liked what we had and I really want to grow up and be the person you see in me.

Never have I been so confused by a person. So we're just going to see where this goes.

 Thanks for keeping up with the consistent mistakes.

Keith.

No time for a title just react.

Dear Future Keith,

Lots of things happened to night.

Something Awful happened to Ana.
A series of awful things happened to Ana, but tonight was a climax of the shit.

I feel like a terrible awful person but because of the events tonight she will be in California with me.
She's probably going to be with me.

Ground rules Keith

No kissing. end of story it's just going to end godawful.
Holding hands and skipping is relative.
Do not under any circumstances let her go ABSOLUTELY DO NOT LET HER GO.

There is a path here. It  is clear follow it and when you trail-blaze, it's bound to happen, remember there's a path here and it needs to be followed.

Fortune Favors the Bold.

I swear to god if you fuck this up I will create a time paradox.

Don't fuck up you fuck up
Sincerely
Keith.

P.S make sure to shove In and Out down her throat.

I borderline hate you right now.

What aren't you telling me? What fucking promise are you breaking right now? This reaction isn't from one day of not talking you dumb cunt, this is from three fucking days of ignoring me and then telling me I get mean. Well yeah now I am going to get angry. I can't possibly comprehend why you don't know how I feel. Shit This is such a bitch move. Heres your logic right now

Something big is happening in my life

Keith shows concern

I'll just ignore him and not say anything to him.

he's just sent me a message saying Hey he's overcrowding me I am going to ignore him.

It's a new day and he's sending me another message saying hi. oh he asked me about my new contract.

I think I should just ignore him.

He said hey again and asked why I am ignoring him. Why the fuck is he so pushy?

"Ana. I don't understand why you're not talking to me. 

It is making me uncomfortable and nervous. 

I think maybe I maybe overreacting or something but I can't tell anything because you're just flat out not saying anything. 

So maybe you can at least tell me if there is something wrong and if at all possible tell me what is it is."

Why is he so pushy and mean? 

"You are too pushy. And, you hurt my feelings."

"okay. sorry. Im just going to give you space

It's just.

Idk. im sorry ill just leave it at that."

Finally he'l leave me alone.

"alright"

"We can't talk tonight?

.. Can you explain how or like when im being pushy?"

Holy fuck really Keith? this is what I am talking about -rolls eyes- 

"like that.

If I don't talk to you for a day you get so upset then angry then you start outbursting on me which makes me want to talk even less"

"But it's like things are good and then you post something about something big in your life and you dont tell me anything and then you ignore me."

-I dont know what is going on in her mind here-

I ignore you because you get mean

"Im not trying to get mean I am intentionally typing in a mean tone.

it;s really more pure nervousness then anything."

whatever. Don't try to play this off Keith.

"ok

well I don't mean to make you nervous but, its too much for me it causes me to shut down"

"I get that but the last thing you say is I'm sorry and then like I read about a fancy contract. and then nothing and then when you called and then more nothing and then a not now. 

I don;t know if you know how much that like hurt.

I didnt hang up on you on purpose you know that right?"

yes I know

"Okay.

everything is good? your healthy and stuff? other then me are you happy? 

and then I'll just give you space. right thats what you want just me to leave you alone for awhile?"

Just shut up already.

Im very happy.

" good, thats all I really care about.

I guess just talk to me whenever you're ready.

I'm sorry again."

Am I overacting? Probably. but this is just I dont how to handle this. This really seems unfair. iasnfadjfnffnadwjgn

Of course I'm going to explode you just left the fucking country without telling me.

stop fucking playing with my heart.

-

I don't have much left.





You've already taken the best of me.



I think this is where I seek help.

Note to self

Dear Me,
      Learn English and how to spell, these are things that may help.

Sincerely
Future Keith

bet on red tonight.

Hey so last time I left you with a pretty dark message. Well thats because we are pesstimistic.
but.

I need to know something, but im not ready to ask.
other then that i think im doing a good job. im trying at least too

Ask what?
If I still love you? Or if Im coming back to camp?

only one of those is really earth shattering.

Well, the way I figure it..if Im not back at camp, I may never see you again. That seems earth shattering to me.

No you cant get rid of my that easily

And, even though you get on my nerves sometimes and we bump heads occasionally I'll always love you Keith
Promise?
Im starting to rack up frequent flyer miles haha
it takes a ton to get to Hawaii though

You know.
I think Im going to change my question.
Will we ever be a couple again?
I know you'll always love me as a friend. I dont doubt that.

It's hard to be a couple so far from one another. but, maybe.
Ill always love you as more than a friend. always.
now your silent.                                         EDITOR: I am typing out my response. slow typer.

well, I dont care about how far away we are.
I get it'll be hard, but if you comit to me I
Promise right here... no wait I want to face to face promise you this.
but I will make this work, I want this to work, need this to work.
I said it before I'll wait for you to fully trust me again, I'll wait a very very long time (im not imortal so I cant last forever)
You told me we were getting married.
Well I believe you.
well now look who's silent.  EDITOR: She goes offline. I call her. no answer. two minutes later she's back.

well thats quite a lot to take in
are you sure you dont just love the idea of me?

Oh here's this again
 EDITOR:all the time with this. Does she not understand this is the conflicting issue of life? How does one know when they are friends with more then just the idea of the person. whos to say we are not all just ideas I digres.

Im just asking... Jaron swore up and down he was in love with me but, he really just loved the idea of me.
let's just say its happened before.

Am I an idea?
I know there are parts of you
I havent met yet
just like theres parts of me you havent seen
we;ll never really truelly know till we tried
I can say this

fair enough

If I just wanted a girlfriend I could have just went and got a girlfriend.
I know we both like comic books.
I know we both like Cartoons.
I know we both love children.
I know that your smile makes me smile.
I know that I have stayed up to 3am multiple times just because there was still more to learn about you.
I know that you are the sweetest most caring person I have ever meet and you have never asked for anything in return for your kindness.
I know that you have massive insecurities
I know you are high maintance
I know you have problems.
I know that every part of you I do know I love, flaws and all and that just makes me want to know the parts i havent seen yet.
Do you need me to keep going?
I made it a point always
to know you as a person.
Ana Tyler Oleander it doesnt matter what name you go by because I feel like I know you as a person pretty well. and I Love you. EDITOR:This was ripped from your heart, good job.   

well now you made me cry

I am sorry, but you are a bit high maintance dear, and I am only trying to be honest.

its not bad tears. Im not THAT high maintenance haha

So when ever you're ready. Will you give us another go?
I know alot people make promises to you and fail to keep them.
But none of them are as stubborn as I am when I make promises.
If you give me another chance I will not let you down. Thats a 110% Keith geruntee (which Im having trouble spelling right now.)

be patient with me. Im in limbo with a lot of things right now so, Im just not ready. Im not sure I can get back to camp this year which is killing me. I started modeling again to pay bills while Im here and I hate it. My brother is sick, my mum is nuts. Im a little bit of a mess.

I know. and I also know that I have like a bad way of showing I know that. I don't need an answer, you basically telling me you'll always love basically answers my question.
I promised I'd wait a very very long long time
I will wait a very very long long time 
Always remember I am here to support you.
Also know I will drop everything if you need me there.

FAST FOWARD

What makes you happy?

adventure time, losing weight, hiking, camp, modeling (sometimes), kids, my puppy, Graham, being outside, the beach, looking at pictures of other people, books, coloring, the way my skin feels after a hot shower, music, camping, movies (most of the time, sometimes they're sad), watching my dad work on his projects, tan lines, the time I came downstairs at camp and you stopped everything just to hug me and tell me I looked nice, my baby blanket ( I know thats lame), cooking for people, horses.....

Good  the first step is knowing what makes you happy, Knowing is half the battle, what what.
you know what one of my happiest moments ever was?

?

Still being awake when the sun came open and
open?
i mean up
you sleeping in my arms
Or your meat potato magic creation.

I still dont know why you were awake
hahah shepards pie

I was afraid that I was going to lose you.
I really didn't understand the whole "I don't want to miss a thing" cliche until then. Sleeping felt like I was wasting what little time I had left.

You can't lose me. not then not now.
well kinda now, Im going to bed haha. I'll be up soon.
- blows kiss, night keith.


When it comes to the oppisite sex we never know what to expect. Everything can just fall apart for no reason one day.  Either everything we've said and been told about love is true, or it's not. It's that simple. Happiness is found on the middle path, balance your hope with critism Keith. One day we'll learn how and then our future predictions will become more before then every before.

Good job buddy. Now lets not blow it.

DONT FUCK UP
Keith

We'll never learn.

I remember in the 9th grade during that period of shit, there was a football game. What made that game special was to be the pinnacle of it all. Oakley came up to us and said

"Keith stay after the game, Paige wants to talk to you."

Our heart dropped.

"About what?" easy first question, today I know Oakley knew. she didn't have the heart to tell us.

"i dunno just stick around after the game."

We were so excited, we thought this was it, we were going to drop the biggest apology ever, and she'd be our friend again and everything would be cool.

The game ends, I don't remember the score.  What was it do you know? Oh wait,  here comes Paige, its dark you really can't see her face, and to be honest her make up doesn't help out all. (Freshman girls, the worst bud start aiming higher). OH she's right on us say something now as fast as you fucking can just fucking spiel it out.
"You wanted to talk?" Oh you fucking idiot you did it now, your one chance to just say everything on your mind and you blew it.

She explodes on you. Someone had been telling her that you were talking shit. You defend yourself. She pretends to believe you, doesn't tell you who been spreading lies. It's not like she'd remember now.

That was the deepest cut ever. That always happens. Everytime you build up to something a girl will come and cut open your thoat.

Ana said about 21 minutes ago. That 5:01 our time 11:21 her time. Skype in a little.
that was after you told her I still love you. That was after you told her you cant sleep because of her.

She's going to leave. She'll probably wait till you pass out and then She'll forget that she ever said she was goingto skype you.

Never forget this lesson.

Break every fucking heart you can first.
And don't stop breaking hearts in Decemeber of 2011, becaus Paige will get you again.
and don't stop in that summer.

Your happiness is destined to only last 3 months. Take everything while you can.



Don't worry.  You'll never live that advice.


also, buy better dice.
Fuck the world still
Keith.

Never trust anyone with a British accent. Or a Floridian.

Do you know why I fucking hate you?
is cause in the end after all the times you told me you love me. All the times you told me not to break your heart or to leave you. You fucking left me behind, you forgot me like I never mattered.
Fuck you and your innocent act. You know why I tried to just pretend like I didnt like you the first time I fucking saw you? becuase you are fucking trouble, I saw that shit coming a mile away.


What I hate the fucking most? I still let you have my heart, and what fustrates me the most? I still love you.

The best lies are to yourself.

Dear me,
You know I feel like, even after all this time, like I have two different choices when really I can have neither. I will never have Paige, how can that be so clear to me but I still go after her like she's a vaible option? and Ana is gone as well but I still treat it just like the paige option.

I need an out, I need a third person, that way I can be like oh heres the only choice I do have.
I dont think Crystal is that option just so you know, I'm putting this on the record that things this year will only get worse.

At least we are passing college.

That would be nice.

You're an asshole.


Keith.

A little like turned into a crush. Now you want to things to her and its driving you crazy.

Because Im allowed to.

Ranting about the girls i like. I dont actually think I like Karina I think I just wan to flirt with somthing.

I was going to talk about her in my last blog post.

listen heres the deal man, I think I forgot how to firlt or somthing maybe online thing has no chemistry? maybe she thinks im too old. im like only a few months ahead of her though.
The point is it's like whats the point of chasing after her Im all the way here, and I dont think she is intrested.

So theres that.

and that really it besides like I cant seem to lock her in conversation. or somthing Idk, I thought I was talking about some intresting stuff, also I know she's just been though a break up and stuff but I just cant see how to get IN and open her up... actually wait im thinking too much like me I dont want her to open up I just need her attention or somthing, I dont this whole thing is dumb and doomed to fail.

I think I need some encouragement to continue or at least validation that i'm right.  


Also Im letting in the full birds. I think maybe they deserve to see my thoughts.

by the time the bar closes and you feel like falling down. I'll carry you home

 Dear Past self,     
 Take comfort in knowing that no matter how old you are you will always love just typing down all of your mundane thoughts. If the by off chance we get famous future generations will know what we were thinking and how we felt at any moment in our lives! This may or may not affect our political career.

Another piece of advice, something that I have slowly been applying to my life and truly have begun to realize is exactly how inunique we are. Here's the only example you will care about; everyone has the same exact relationship with Paige. You are just one of a hundred it seems like. Fortunately we learned in the 9th grade that to impress a girl and being "worthy" doesn't mean shit. It demostrates low self worth and basicly just serves to piss the girl off. It doesnt matter if you're "worthy". Let me explain how the world works. No one deserves anyone.

 At first that seems pretty dark right? In a sense yes, but I'm not saying everyone is a horrible person and by some sense of justice we all deserve to only die alone, no-but of course you would go  straight there at your age. What I mean by this is, we are all human beings, no-one is greater then anyone else (except celeberties, beautiful people, legal tax payers and the rich). A majority of the sane non-spoiled bad egg girls don't see them selves like you do, they know their every fault, so they feel when you elavate them you are lying to them. In a sense you are objectifing them.  Ironic right? Here you are trying to unobjectify them, show them you see all their strengths and try to say they are objects of vaule, but instead you're still making them objects, you are taking away their humanity. People only every want to be treated like people, like equals. And thats part of the reasoning behind how I/we treat the girls I/we like now and days; like everyone else.  Do you see what I am trying to get at here? Putting someone on the pedistool is taking away thier faults, and failings are exactly what make us human. Loving someone is taking everything and then dealing with it. That is a small part of why assholes win.

Another thing we kinda learned today. If you didn't win her then, the chances are you never will.
You only really get one shot.  Honestly you should only ever need one shot. Unfortunately we will not be able to apply this lesson for a very long time. Probably never. Let me tell you we thought about it, just cutting Paige off. It wasn't easy and we even tried to like slowly stop. It's not going to happen. Paige is now ever more so a part of us, the relationship between us is a defining part of who we are. She affects the decisions we make, its don't not like we change our entire life for her, cleary not otherwise we would be trapped in Sahvanna hating all existance, but she is sitll in the thought process as a hey would she approve of this just like we think hey would blake approve of this or would my mom approve of this? To be us we need Paige, its just how it is going to work from now on. 

Third, today we thought Im not like that guy because I have a chance at 27 to "win". I am not Brett. Nor am I Chaz, nor am I John or that fuckface Skylar. I am not one of Paiges lovers or even a real ex. We are a boy who wandered into her 8th grade year tripped into love (or some sort of obessive love lust) and cause a few problems, moved and then helped her form her life. I used to think I climbed out of the friendzone. My young friend that hasn't happened. We are still in the friend zone. Keep in mind that every thing she has said to you, she probably has said to others. 

What does this all add up to?  The main lesson that we are going to learn all though our life is very simple. "It is absolutly not about us." thats it, the sun doesnt revovle around you. We know that  and we understand what that means, but it's so hard to live, so hard to apply.  Everyone we know knows the same amount of people who have the same type of problems we do. When we take that knowledge and apply it we can understand people motives slightly better, maybe offend them less and help more. the thing is remebering to apply that.

It should be noted that not everyone knows this, and  as such you should never trust anyone again. Not with your heart at least. No one can handle it, just like perhaps you shouldnt be trusted either.

I will say that I am proud of us, today we tried very hard to not make it about us and we almost succeeded.

Paige, you know I love you, and I know you're not in love with me, and I get that you don't think you deserve all these guys who chase after you, and you're probably right, when it comes down to it you're a very ordinary girl. But also realize you got alot of things that make you worth it. I told you today I see my self in you, and you know I do, I see so much of myself in you. The procasternator, the need to please everyone, the fear of being a cause of pain. The absolute need to be accepted, love of dogs, and bad tv shows. The hiding the truth for as long as possible to avoid confrontation. The desire to just be upfront and blunt, and the attention span-if you notice I change subjects like crazy in these. I forgot the point I was making. 
I guess I love you and know I only ever say whats on my mind.

Hope honesty counts for somthing.
Also we are still avoiding a question.

Alright past me. Maybe I'll write more tomorrow because this one is already too long.

Fuck the world
love
Keith.

Every begining is another begining's end.

Dear me,

First off I hope you find your way off myspce, that place is a mess. I'm sure you'll be glad to know that facebook provides the right amount of insanity and that perfect feeling of loneliness. Also as I have previously stated that life doesn't get easier you get tougher, well let me also inform you that the problems you face now don't actually change. She simply switchs names and accents and home twons and favorite books.

There are men who will always find a girl for the night, there are men who will never really care about women, there are men who fully objectify women, and then there are men who will always be chasing after that one perfect girl, casting aside all other options only to find themselves in a continous cycle of friendzones. Well, guess which one we are? And here's the kicker it's all our fault! Trust me one day you're going to realize exactly how many girls wanted to snatch you up for your own, and by then it'll be too late. The thing is we're holding on to this idea that we need the perfect person, also we still have this wierd solidity of monogamy. That's just somthing that doesnt exist in our peer group. We try so hard to find that one girl who hold the same truths we do all while trying to play it cool, we miss the oppertunities that pass us by. In our attempts to keep every promise we ever made, we lose friends and fail our goal. Our life is one ironic twist after another.

My point is tonight I realized I will never get the one girl that had a chance of freeing me from "The Oppression of Paige OP", as you so witfully called it (yes im making fun of you you're an idoit get over it) back. It's done she's gone. The circumstances behind how and why we lost her will curse you for a very long time. Surprizingly it will only be the second largest event. I guess we did learn alittle from that summer good job.  So are we banking on 27? No. most likely not.

Give me some time, now that we know we can let go of Ana, that our promise is now null and viod and that we didnt give up on her she on us we can just accept reality and revert back into the cold ladykilling asshole we have become.

This might be the said asshole speaking but I love this stage, its when we literally say fuck everything and chase after anything and everything. I am shit we're already facebook married. It doesn't mean shit it's just a confinendce boaster. Yeah the girl is pretty cute and she fits the MO perfectly. Cute shy smart slightly off the beaten path, shes not right fit and she lives in CO.

Kid when you grow up you may realize we dont have the resolve to keep those promises to a naive little boy.

In our pursiut of personal satification, love, freedom and happiness we will destory everything we love and hold true.  We are the real life tragic hero and this is our flaw. Selfishness.


Chin up lad, and when you get to the good part remember to soak it in and hold onto it for as long as you can.  She's going to say we have the longest endurance and that just barely makes this a faction worth it.

Sincerely,
Keith

p.s
Keith Keith says "tonight you", you'll see.

First Callback.

Let me begin this first post like the very first blog I ever made. A direct break in format and acknowledge the fact that while I pretend I have an vast audience I am really writing to two people. The first and foremost the main proposed receiver of these letters, my past self at the age of 15 right at the middle of what I still feel to be the worst of my teenage angst years. The vast majority of my posts will be as if I have a device capable of transcending all of time to delieve messages to my younger self.  The second member of the audience is the only person who I think will ever see these. Hi Paige. I want you to know that while sometimes- rather most times-  I will say things that will actually sting, I love you more then any person in the world and the simple fact of the matter is you're the one person who is capable of dealing the most pain, whereas I'm sure the things I say will probably hurt just as deep. They say we hurt the ones we love.

That said and done.

Fuck the world.

Sincerely,
 Keith