- _so maybe this replaces just telling her? It'll hopefully just fade imedaitely after.
- aha WAS I WRONG?
- Keith Adam Ragano
Ok. Well Thats just how im going to internet propose to you then. Ay yo Kayla u mah wifey for lifey ya dig?Oh wait sorry its Kylah
Letters to my past.
Wednesday, April 9, 2014
Thursday, October 17, 2013
The Sad Ballad of Jack and Jill
In the summer of 2011 I wrote this song. I was in camp Weona and it was shortly after Paige had gotten into a relationship with that one dirt bag. I found out though Facebook after two weeks practically of not talking to her, It hurt alot.
The Sad Ballad of Jack and Jill
I just went though one of my art journals one of my favorites and found it again and figure I would post it here.
The Sad Ballad of Jack and Jill
We're almost done here
He walked her out back
To their shed
Metal pressed against her head.
*We're almost done here
We're almost done dear
We're almost done here-I've got feeling
it's fact. We're almost done here.
They met at young age. At that
instant he knew.
and at that
instant she couldn't know how that love quickly grew
But the years would come
and plainly show
how Destiny got a way of tying one from two
*We're almost done here*
They were split for several years
He came back to many of tears
They all warned and warned but he knew what he was getting into
We're almost done here
They were married in their 27th year
Two kids
one like him and one like her
and happily they lived
but Time has a funny way of making lies.
*We're almost done here*
He stormed out to the nearest bar
and tried in vain to drown his heart
He couldn't wouldn't live his life apart
He figured what to do
and his storm followed outside.
Oh, we're almost done here
This I promise
soon we'll come to the epic finish.
We're almost done here
Now he found the two in his house
and all three knew what he was to do
She opened her mouth as hot lead flew
He grabbed her by the hair and dragged out into the night
He looked in her eyes.
They knew there was no going back
She knew she was wrong
He knew he was wrong
neither knew a second so long.
We're almost done here
he said as he digged
We're almost done here
dirt on her face
We're almost done dear
I got a feeling it's a fact.
We're all done here.
So there's that.
I edited a bit from it's original but not too much. I used know and knew way too much.
Just as a note this was constructive way of alleviating my emotions.
I do not plan on murdering anyone.
I found one more song, but god is it aweful, I think I wrote it when I was 15 maybe 16
anyways here have this
Metal pressed against her head.
*We're almost done here
We're almost done dear
We're almost done here-I've got feeling
it's fact. We're almost done here.
They met at young age. At that
instant he knew.
and at that
instant she couldn't know how that love quickly grew
But the years would come
and plainly show
how Destiny got a way of tying one from two
*We're almost done here*
They were split for several years
He came back to many of tears
They all warned and warned but he knew what he was getting into
We're almost done here
They were married in their 27th year
Two kids
one like him and one like her
and happily they lived
but Time has a funny way of making lies.
*We're almost done here*
He stormed out to the nearest bar
and tried in vain to drown his heart
He couldn't wouldn't live his life apart
He figured what to do
and his storm followed outside.
Oh, we're almost done here
This I promise
soon we'll come to the epic finish.
We're almost done here
Now he found the two in his house
and all three knew what he was to do
She opened her mouth as hot lead flew
He grabbed her by the hair and dragged out into the night
He looked in her eyes.
They knew there was no going back
She knew she was wrong
He knew he was wrong
neither knew a second so long.
We're almost done here
he said as he digged
We're almost done here
dirt on her face
We're almost done dear
I got a feeling it's a fact.
We're all done here.
So there's that.
I edited a bit from it's original but not too much. I used know and knew way too much.
Just as a note this was constructive way of alleviating my emotions.
I do not plan on murdering anyone.
I found one more song, but god is it aweful, I think I wrote it when I was 15 maybe 16
anyways here have this
Cocktease
She's got emberal eyes and the perfect lips, the sweetest voice boy does she make noise
She kills when she whines your name/ if you askyou'd fall to your names, but boys you should give it up so easily
Cause she is just one hot Cocktease
Oh just one hot Cocktease
wouldn't acknowledge ya even if you begged, BABY please
(OAAH) with the perfect ass she's a sight to see[walk past] with that [crazy][sweet] motion, you can't help but to swing along way after she is gone
If you asked, you'd fall to your knees but boys look out
Cause she is just one hot Cocktease
oh justo ne hot cocktease
wouldn't notice ya even if you begged BABY, please
-I then wrote down "go crazy haha" probably like gutiar solo and screeching, the song is influenced by Jet.-
She'll drive you crazy cause you can look but never touch
she doesn't need make up she naturally shines, not to mention her prissy behind
but guys we're all out of luck
cause she is just one hot cocktease
just one hot cocktease
-then I go on and on in an axel roseques fade out-
Oh baby please
You know what fuck it that song is awesome. and I am awesome.
Have a great night
Keith
Friday, August 2, 2013
If it didn't happen on camera it never happened.
Insiped by the worst Aurgmentive Research paper topic ever, I decided to begin a published list of all the movies I have, or at least remember seeing. Some entries that belong to a series such as terminator or Star Wars, include all the films in the said series unless stated otherwise, such as the Halloween films. Double entries dictate whether it was the remake or the orginal. Luckily most remakes have a second part to their title or new titles entirely. this is a living document and will be updated regular.
In no particular order yet
Escape From New York
Escape From LA
Blade Runner
Die hard
Holy Grail
star wars
Casablanca
It happened one night
Wonderful life
star trek
Man on fire
predator
serenity
Aladin
Snow white
Sleeping Beauty
little mermaid
Loin King
Toy story
up walle
bugs life
cars brave
how to train your dragon
toranado
EarthQuake
Godzilla
seven samari
11 assassins
Ninja warror
Path of the warrior
Fists of the dragon
enter the dragon
Airplane
Airport
Indiana Jones
Picture Bride
Crash
Syriana
Green Mile
Red Mile
Longest yard
pocahuntas
Lion in the winter
King Henry
Mouse Trap
Face off
Demolition man
Running man
elevethn Hour
Point Blank
Ploint Blanc Gross
all dogs go to heavan
Dragon heart
Brave Heart
Spy Kids
Bionicle
Pumkin Head
Wrong turn
The Lake
the Shining
Roxanne
Carrie
the one about to ladies Lucie and whatever
Connie and Bolyd
Once were Warriors
American History X
The Birth of a Nation
The Departed
Total Recall
Terminator
The Bridge
Bridge of terbyiertha
Jamanji
Pooh and the dumb cave
Transformers
Speed
Constintine
Hellboy
Pan’s Lyberth
The Orphange
Grave encounters
Super
Identies
HellRaiser
Zombie Land
Stakeland
Dino Island
old Dino island
King Cobra
King Cobra verus super croc
super croc
super octopus
octshark
Deep Blue
Pulp Fiction
Inglorious Bastards
Kill Bill
Tokyo Drift
Fast and Furious
Hackers
Mr and Mrs. Smith
Journey to the center of the Earth
Journey to the Moon
Gold Rush
Psycho
American Psycho
American Pie
Euro Trip
Office Space
Idoitucracy
wedding Haze
Surf’s Up
Ice Age
March of the Peguins
Wanted
King Bo
The King and I
Singing in the Rain
Tarzan
Tarzan:King of the Jungle
Jungle book
Disney’s Animated Jungle Book
Disney’s Jungle Book
Fox’s Jungle Book
Iron Man
Spiderman
Thor
Captian America
Pacific Rim
Avengers
X-men
Wolverine
X-men: First class
Superman
Superman Returns
Newest Superman
Batman(all)
Catwomen
Fantstic Four
the Room
Troll
Night of the living dead
Land of the living Dead
Return of the living Dead
Day of the Dead
Dawn of the Dead
Survival of the living Dead
Alien
Aliens
Aliens verus Predators
Predators
Butch Cassidy and the Sun Dance Kid
Fistful of Dollars
Monkey Wrench
Monkey Bone
Roller Ball
Centienal Man
the Bioncle man
Bird Cage
The used carsales man movie with Robin Williams
A.I
The happening
Sixth Senth
Indestructible
Signs
Lady in the Water
Hills have Eyes
Chainsaw massacare
Jason x and I think four
Halloween
House of wax
House of Pain
House of the living dead
House of horrors
Paranormal Activity/Entity
Para Norman
Nightmare before Christmas
Corpse bride
Charlie and the Chocolate factory
Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory
Eragon
Lord of the Rings
Hobbit
Warehouse
Precint 13
13 blocks
Four Brothers
Two Christmas
kris Kringle
Bride Wars
How to Lose a Guy
10 things I hate about you
Norbert
Pluto Nash
Doctor Dolittle
Nutty Professor
The neighbors
Keeping up with the Jones
Honey I shrunk the kids
Honey I shrunk us
Disturbia
Charlie’s Angels
A Christmas Story
A miracle on 25th Street
It’s a Wonderful life
Best Years of our lives
Rebel without a cause
Crypt Keeper
Tomb Raider
Goonies
Teenage Ninja Turtles
Omega Force
Alpha Force
Octagon
Left Behind
Behind Enemy Lines
Seal Team Six
Zero Dark Thirty
Hurt Locker
Four Kings
Sunshine
Event Horizon
Space Odyssey
The Odyessey
Troy
300
Alexander
Caesar
Romeo and Juliet
The ballad of Romeo and Juliet
Knight’s Tale
Maid in Manhattan
60 Seconds
Searchers
True Grit (both)
Hercules
101 Dalmations
Lady and the Tramp
Hunchback of Norte Dame
Public Enemy
Born Killers
Red
The Professional
Down by the Dockyard
Raging Born
Blackmail
The crow
Black Crow
Sherlock Holmes
Hellsing
League of Extrodiare Gentleman
Watchmen New York
Midwest
Main point
Die hard
Holy Grail
star wars
Casablanca
It happened one night
Wonderful life
star trek
Man on fire
predators
serenity
Aladin
Snow white
Sleeping Beauty
little mermaid
Loin King
Toy story
up walle
bugs life
cars brave
how to train your dragon
toranado
EarthQuake
Godzilla
seven samari
11 assassins
Ninja warror
Path of the warrior
Fists of the dragon
enter the dragon
Airplane
Airport
Indiana Jones
Picture Bride
Crash
Syriana
Green Mile
Red Mile
Longest yard
pocahuntas
Lion in the winter
King Henry
Mouse Trap
Face off
Demolition man
Running man
elevethn Hour
Point Blank
Ploint Blanc Gross
all dogs go to heavan
Dragon heart
Brave Heart
Spy Kids
Bionicle
Pumkin Head
Wrong turn
The Lake
the Shining
Roxanne
Carrie
the one about to ladies Lucie and whatever
Connie and Bolyd
Once were Warriors
American History X
The Birth of a Nation
The Departed
Total Recall
Terminator
The Bridge
Bridge of terbyiertha
Jamanji
Pooh and the dumb cave
Transformers
Speed
Constintine
Hellboy
Pan’s Lyberth
The Orphange
Grave encounters
Super
Identies
HellRaiser
Zombie Land
Stakeland
Dino Island
old Dino island
King Cobra
King Cobra verus super croc
super croc
super octopus
octshark
Deep Blue
Pulp Fiction
Inglorious Bastards
Kill Bill
Tokyo Drift
Fast and Furious
Hackers
Mr and Mrs. Smith
Journey to the center of the Earth
Journey to the Moon
Gold Rush
Psycho
American Psycho
American Pie
Euro Trip
Office Space
Idoitucracy
wedding Haze
Surf’s Up
Ice Age
March of the Peguins
Wanted
King Bo
The King and I
Singing in the Rain
Tarzan
Tarzan:King of the Jungle
Jungle book
Disney’s Animated Jungle Book
Disney’s Jungle Book
Fox’s Jungle Book
Iron Man
Spiderman
Thor
Captian America
Pacific Rim
Avengers
X-men
Wolverine
X-men: First class
Superman
Superman Returns
Newest Superman
Batman(all)
Catwomen
Fantstic Four
the Room
Troll
Night of the living dead
Land of the living Dead
Return of the living Dead
Day of the Dead
Dawn of the Dead
Survival of the living Dead
Alien
Aliens
Aliens verus Predators
Predators
Butch Cassidy and the Sun Dance Kid
Fistful of Dollars
Monkey Wrench
Monkey Bone
Roller Ball
Centienal Man
the Bioncle man
Bird Cage
The used carsales man movie with Robin Williams
A.I
The happening
Sixth Senth
Indestructible
Signs
Lady in the Water
Hills have Eyes
Chainsaw massacare
Jason x and I think four
Halloween
House of wax
House of Pain
House of the living dead
House of horrors
Paranormal Activity/Entity
Para Norman
Nightmare before Christmas
Corpse bride
Charlie and the Chocolate factory
Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory
Eragon
Lord of the Rings
Hobbit
Warehouse
Precint 13
13 blocks
Four Brothers
Two Christmas
kris Kringle
Bride Wars
How to Lose a Guy
10 things I hate about you
Norbert
Pluto Nash
Doctor Dolittle
Nutty Professor
The neighbors
Keeping up with the Jones
Honey I shrunk the kids
Honey I shrunk us
Disturbia
Charlie’s Angels
A Christmas Story
A miracle on 25th Street
It’s a Wonderful life
Best Years of our lives
Rebel without a cause
Crypt Keeper
Tomb Raider
Goonies
Teenage Ninja Turtles
Omega Force
Alpha Force
Octagon
Left Behind
Behind Enemy Lines
Seal Team Six
Zero Dark Thirty
Hurt Locker
Four Kings
Sunshine
Event Horizon
Space Odyssey
The Odyessey
Troy
300
Alexander
Caesar
Romeo and Juliet
The ballad of Romeo and Juliet
Knight’s Tale
Maid in Manhattan
60 Seconds
Searchers
True Grit (both)
Hercules
101 Dalmations
Lady and the Tramp
Hunchback of Norte Dame
Public Enemy
Born Killers
Red
The Professional
Down by the Dockyard
Raging Born
Blackmail
The crow
Black Crow
Sherlock Holmes
Hellsing
League of Extrodiare Gentleman
Watchmen
Escape to Witch Mountian(only the classic)
That Darn Cat
Attack the Block
Lock Stock and two smoking barrels
Aces
Lace and Arsenic
Tuesday, July 30, 2013
Letter of myself.
Alright, just to give some context about this post. My Great Aunt Susan Consey, from my mom's mom side, wrote me a facebook message waking me up at 5 AM concerning one of my FB posts. This is the said message:
Keith I just saw a post (of yours) can' t find it now... But it was about the pope. It's these times that I feel so far away... I guess cuz I really don't know you or who you were... Of if you want me to know you or the things you might be thinking of? There are times when just being a g-aunt isn't what you've been thinking.
At first I was just going to ignore it for a while... okay yes I was awake at 5 am when she sent this. But when I woke up this morning I decided I might as well answer her in full. Thus I typed out this monster.
Yeah, I have had a unique life due to my dad's career, it sorta has distanced me from the rest of my relatives.
Currently who I think I am is someone who likes a good joke, I can seem very mean and rough, sometimes borderline rude but really I am just struggle with the generous sweetheart I have always been as a child and my developing desire to longer being walked all over by the rest of the world.
I like to believe I am very intelligent and bright, I have a higher then normal reading comprehension rate and I can retain information incredibly well. I am very good at reading people, picking up their personalities, traits and I have a strong complicity for empathy. I pride myself in always always trying to think like another and seeing the world though someone else eyes first before making a decision concerning them.
Recently I have gotten very good at obtaining free stuff from my friends. I guess I have become a pro moucher? Not something I am too proud of but I never ask for anything everything is always offered.
Recently I have put more stock in the idea that if you need something if you wait long enough and sorta hold faith, the universe will somehow provided it.
My religion is hard to explain. I would say I am agnostic. My relationship with any god has become very shaky.
I try talking to him or it or anything all the time. Generally questions, like why am I here, or what is the path I am suppose to follow? I ask the path question all the time.
Sometimes I get an answer, like an epiphany, or sometimes it's shown to me, like I run into an opportunity.
I feel like it is very important for me to stay on this path, like it is the reason why things are provided to me.
I don't know what dictates the path. Be it the Judo-ichristian-islamic God or fate, but all the same I ask for guidance and try to stay on course.
I have a strong sense of morals, based off of a combination of my love for Japanese honor codes, medieval chivalry, my dad's military background and my light catholic upbringing.
1.regardless of my faith I follow the ten commandments, they make sense in terms of running a society.
2.Owe anyone little maintian a balanced relationship
4. ALL humans are equal, just in far different ways
4. Stick to the path.
5. Hold open doors, say thank you everytime, and look people in the eyes,
6. Give what you can to those with nothing.
7.Take only what is given.
I love film. I LOVE story telling and I love exploring human nature though it. I daydream all the time my oscar acceptance speech.
I have no idea what I am doing with my life. I have a hard time planing into the future and I can barely think past tomorrow.
I am terrible with money. I don't save nearly as much as I should. which is probably not true as I currently place 2/3 of my paycheck into a savings account and I have already begun my IRA. I just have an immense fear of the future. It is almost crippling.
Also I am a terrrible student. I will blow homework, I mean it I will literally just not do it and not take any steps to save my grade. I have had four Fs my college career. I just allow myself to self dustruct.
However any class I don't have an F in I get an A or at the very least a B. Inconsistences in the education system.
I am extremely lazy. But for the right cause I will work as hard or harder than anyone.
I am an Eagle scout, I take pride in that.
I support Homosexual marriage. All people are equal, and I know several same sex couples who are far more loyal and caring than most marriages that exist.
I think the government is without a doubt 100% a police state and trying to kill a huge majority off.
I believe pop culture has become engineered to dumb us down.
I believe in extraterrestrial life, as it is statistically impossible for it not to exist.
Though I have little faith in organized religion I love studing in it. So far I have taken four Religion classes, Aced all of them. They were one of the few classes I put more then minimum effort.
thats another thing. I am a minimum effort person. that should be rule 4. I think. Do the minimum. Kinda of a Daoist approach. Don't be a rock that struggles against the current, be the leaf that allows the river to take it downstream. Follow the path with minimum effort.
Most of my thoughts are philosophical in nature. How do we know, what is truth, again what is my purpose.
Though I love to play out narratives in my head, I have a very strong imagination. It ties into the storyteller in me.
Just recently about three years ago I met a girl and feel into what I thought was love. however things did not work out at all.
She sits in my mind. I constantly run the events though my head over and over again, most times I am not even aware i started doing it.
It is torturous and I have really only just now started getting over it.
There's been other girls in between her, but you know not the same.
She has changed a lot the last year and half and it kinda feels like one of my best friends has died and been replace with someone totally different. I'd say 45% of my Facebook status are secretly about her.
I think soon someone new will appear in my life. I keep getting this feeling like I am going to be somewhere and just sorta run into a new adventure.
If I could have a super power it would be tied between teleporting to anyplace I have seen or seen a picture of and reading minds.
I hope that when I die I can become part of the cosmos and can just watch everything. I would love to just watch a rock see all the things that happen to it. what interacts with it.
Of course we talked before of my nerdy hobbies, I like miniatures and role-playing and video games.
I wish I could live in a space opera or Star Wars.
When I am in public, I always want to just ask those around me what they are thinking, who they think they are and who they want to be. So it was nice to be asked that myself. Thank you
I suggest everyone just sit down and write what they think about themselves. If anything it kinda feels good.
Best
Keith
Monday, July 1, 2013
Here's some words about words.
How do you move on
when you don't want to move on?
How do you let go?
I wouldn't say I am
obsessed with her just that she consumes my every waking thought and everything
reminds me of her.
I feel like she is dead. Okay well the fact she tells me directly that the old person she was isgone completely sorta adds to that fire. Then I guess I am no longer in love with her. Just who she used to be. It's weird to think that someone can change like that.
Maybe I was never in love with her. She was most definitely never in love with me.
Maybe I was never in love with her. She was most definitely never in love with me.
So I am now at the
point where it is no longer an attachment of her specifically but more just an
obsession of being obsessed. Good now maybe in a year or two it'll be out of my
system and something new will fall from the sky.
The universe rewards
patience..
Thursday, June 20, 2013
Dear Keith.
Holy shit so much happened tonight.
First you woke up and had a good day. Then you went to other realms at 130 and play a great game of 40k. It was a 3v3 1000 points each. it ended on the second turn with a striaght tie. you killed 3 termies an ork truck and two mega nobs and
LOTS of incubi.
Then you went and got KFC, it's still terrible and we still hate it. We then went to Century building (it's where shaggy lives) and picked up Josh's band label PRESIDENT. We went and filmed about Josh's band practice with the President. HE FUCKING LOVES ANIME AND MACROS PLAYED 40k in the 90's.
He talked to me and Josh about his convention coming up in Novemeber and wants us to RUn the tabletop section. FUCKING A brah. On top of this he is going to make a series of scifci nitty gritty Star Warsque films and wants us to take the helm. FUCKING A BRAH
so we do the band practice and the entire band plus Josh's girlfriend end up at D&B. Shoots it was fun yeah.
Well two members leave then Josh dips, so I take Chase and Reed and the president to Kelly's we met PRES' girlfriend plus some other model that reed once went to highschool with drinks galore, we didnt have a drop.
We needed up having a deep ass convo with Chase. We get close with Pres. He really wants me making shit with him!
Drive everyone home.
Oh before we went int oKelly's there was this homeless dude, the pres bought m a hotdog and so I gave half of it to the homeless dude. He start sprouting crazy homeless dude stuff about walmart and leave his bike there and then someone stole it but that guy then got hit by a car.
well he tried getting like real money of me.
I deined him. the hot dog is enough brah.
Chase saw it and was later really impressed with me, cause I shared the hotdog and heard his story.
OH BRAH one more thing, dude at Dave and busters we met someone who recognized us from the Trojan fucking News!!! DUDE what the fuck!?!? right?
it was an amazing night!
Alright so the thing is, there is always a thing yeah.
Do we just this flashy agent guy? I don't know, this is the industry you know. I can't tell if I fear him because what he offers equals responicblity and adult hood or if I think he is shady.
I think this is the path though this is what I was waiting for and I need to make my move and take it now..
Who know, all this because I play 40k.
Holy shit so much happened tonight.
First you woke up and had a good day. Then you went to other realms at 130 and play a great game of 40k. It was a 3v3 1000 points each. it ended on the second turn with a striaght tie. you killed 3 termies an ork truck and two mega nobs and
LOTS of incubi.
Then you went and got KFC, it's still terrible and we still hate it. We then went to Century building (it's where shaggy lives) and picked up Josh's band label PRESIDENT. We went and filmed about Josh's band practice with the President. HE FUCKING LOVES ANIME AND MACROS PLAYED 40k in the 90's.
He talked to me and Josh about his convention coming up in Novemeber and wants us to RUn the tabletop section. FUCKING A brah. On top of this he is going to make a series of scifci nitty gritty Star Warsque films and wants us to take the helm. FUCKING A BRAH
so we do the band practice and the entire band plus Josh's girlfriend end up at D&B. Shoots it was fun yeah.
Well two members leave then Josh dips, so I take Chase and Reed and the president to Kelly's we met PRES' girlfriend plus some other model that reed once went to highschool with drinks galore, we didnt have a drop.
We needed up having a deep ass convo with Chase. We get close with Pres. He really wants me making shit with him!
Drive everyone home.
Oh before we went int oKelly's there was this homeless dude, the pres bought m a hotdog and so I gave half of it to the homeless dude. He start sprouting crazy homeless dude stuff about walmart and leave his bike there and then someone stole it but that guy then got hit by a car.
well he tried getting like real money of me.
I deined him. the hot dog is enough brah.
Chase saw it and was later really impressed with me, cause I shared the hotdog and heard his story.
OH BRAH one more thing, dude at Dave and busters we met someone who recognized us from the Trojan fucking News!!! DUDE what the fuck!?!? right?
it was an amazing night!
Alright so the thing is, there is always a thing yeah.
Do we just this flashy agent guy? I don't know, this is the industry you know. I can't tell if I fear him because what he offers equals responicblity and adult hood or if I think he is shady.
I think this is the path though this is what I was waiting for and I need to make my move and take it now..
Who know, all this because I play 40k.
Thursday, November 1, 2012
The summer and all that came with it.
Dear me,
This summer was intense. You party more then all your freshman year, you hitted on nearly every female staffer, but what else is new. You broke hearts you won hearts. Yoyu had two little twins say you were like the father they never had or wished they could have. You were the best you could be. Except you know you told Ana you would wait for her and basically be her only and yeah so good job on squandering that instantly.
Also what makes you thing all the Junior leaders you told will be better at keeping secrets then Alec? oh other then the fact Alec as a general rule can;t keep his fucking mouth shut.
the point is this is the point:
Keith
Never have I been so confused by a person. So we're just going to see where this goes.
Thanks for keeping up with the consistent mistakes.
Keith.
This summer was intense. You party more then all your freshman year, you hitted on nearly every female staffer, but what else is new. You broke hearts you won hearts. Yoyu had two little twins say you were like the father they never had or wished they could have. You were the best you could be. Except you know you told Ana you would wait for her and basically be her only and yeah so good job on squandering that instantly.
Also what makes you thing all the Junior leaders you told will be better at keeping secrets then Alec? oh other then the fact Alec as a general rule can;t keep his fucking mouth shut.
the point is this is the point:
Keith
- I don’t want to tell you this because I’m afraid it’s just going to piss you off. I’ll try to keep this short.
I miss more than just my best friend. I miss my partner I miss my wife. I miss my future. I miss the girl who listen to me drone on about models and then just sent me modeling tools on a whim. I miss having a real legit reason for staying up till 4 am, I miss having someone who calls me, who txts me just because they pretty much have to as a compulsion. I miss talking about nothing but its okay because that’s enough for us. I miss hearing about your friend Natalie or the fuck yeah guy who worked alongside you in that restaurant. I miss planning out gifts that I know you will love for sure, because that’s just how well I know you. I miss not being afraid every time I message you that I’ll say something that’ll piss you off and make you stop talking to me for five days. I miss getting answers to all my messages longer than three words. I miss more than just being someone’s number one I miss being your number one.
And I’m plagued by guilt because I can’t help myself, I just flirt with everyone, and I say things that I really mean to you that I never say to anyone else, but my actions just make it all invalid to you, and that just fucking plagues me all the time nearly every hour. And I try to bury that. But it’s just getting harder and harder. And it’s just making me a worse and worse person. And so much is going on in your life and I just don’t want to be another problem I want to be your support, part of the solution.
And here I am wrapped up in trying to fix something that I can’t fix, trying to get something that I was once sure I had but now I’ve definitely lost and in all likelihood never regain.
And I dislike telling you all this because again I don’t want to just stack problems on your plate, I just need to tell you before I turn into a complete asshole, besides the fact that you deserve me being honest and open with you.
I don’t really know how I except you to react. But you asked if I was okay and I think when I say I’m not you want to know the cause. - Tuesday
- Ana
Keith,
You haven't upset me or pissed me off.
Thank you for telling me. I think it takes large amounts of courage to lay things out the way you have. And, I did want to know what was wrong so thank you for telling me.
I need to be honest with you too though. Keith ill always love you but, I'm not in love with you. After everything that's happened the past year I lost the foundation of our relationship. And, your personality changed before my eyes. Granted everyone changes in their teens and twenties. But, after talking to you about Alec- I later found out you called him and chewed him out. Not cool. The whole point of me talking to you about that was the fact that you were the adult and he was a child that looked up to you. An adult wouldn't call a child up and get angry at them for talking to an adult about something that upset them.
Or how you were telling staff here to stay away from me before I got here. I understand where you were coming from but shouldn't I be allowed to decide whom I speak to? You were a bit abrasive..
Then there is the fact that yes you do flirt a lot. I think that's part of figuring out dating but I'm past that point in my life Keith. I think you need more time for that.
Mostly I think we are just at two different points in our life. I'm looking for things you aren't ready for yet and that's ok.
And, if you can't handle friends why would dating even be on the table?
Dating only complicates things. Seriously. - KeithYeah. I needed to hear you just come out and say this Ana.
- I don't why I just have trouble letting things go and it just kept sounding like there was an in and so I just kept holding on. I know it'll be better this way.Thanks.
By the way I didn't really changed, you just saw more of me then you started with.
You're far more mature then I am, I'm a little bit behind on growing up.
Chris was an asshole and he had what I said to him coming, but thats besides the point.
One more thing while we're at this. I feel like you're ashamed we tried a relationship. - I'm going to stop talking now because I am a little emotional.
Like a hard mixture of relief and pain you know?I'm sorry. I love you - AnaLetting go?
See that's what I mean, here I'm saying I want to work on our relationship. Find this person I lost somewhere along the way and you are talking about letting go?
And I think you did change. You tend to emulate the people you spend time with. That's not a bad thing it's just what I've noticed.
You are very mature in some respects and not in others.. You haven't had much dating experience- how can you totally wrap your head around it? That's just being logical.
Chris was a little sketchy but for the most part very nice to me and respectful.
I was never ashamed of you Keith. Never have been never would be. You are an outstanding young man and you have such a capacity to love and create. I'm proud of you. - 3:22pmKeithSee im confused... I don't know what i am doing Ana.
I really really like you. And I have like plans and dreams in my head for us.
and its like Idk what you want really.g I didnt really develope a core person... IM still growing up I still take and give from those around meI am sorry. I am still thinking in these strict catagory termsDo I need to see other people? Figure out how this works?
Are we starting over?
I just I'm not really sure what's happening you know.
You're right I have no experience in this.I am sorry... I just like reread...I need to stop and think somethimes before I react.Listen.here's what I need.actaully scratch that I have no idea what I need.I really only know what I want at this point.
I don't know how to get it, like the steps or like the process or what to expect.
I just know I want you and I liked what we had and I really want to grow up and be the person you see in me.
Never have I been so confused by a person. So we're just going to see where this goes.
Thanks for keeping up with the consistent mistakes.
Keith.
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